It’s hard to explain this to anyone really, but when you are explaining this to a parent it’s even harder. There are a few things a youth pastor is not supposed to know. You’re not supposed to know that your students make mistakes. Every youth pastor reading this blog (maybe 1 of you) if they have any type of communication and relationship with their students just rolled their eyes at me. “Duh, Brent!” Maybe left your lips. The second thing we are not supposed to know is that students lie to make themselves look better. Maybe the right word is embellish. And we also should not know that our students have insecurities that cause them to lie and make mistakes.
So here’s what’s difficult to explain to a parent: when your kid makes a mistake, or let’s use the Biblical word, sins, there is something vital for you, the parent, to know – it’s not your fault. Let me be frank, students make mistakes. Am I repeating myself? A lot of the times they make the mistake and we ask the question “what were you thinking?” The truth is they are not. The frontal lobe which raises a connection between action and consequences does not fully develop on the brain until ages 22-26. So here’s what that means; the future version of your kid will actually be upset with the current version of your kid because when they hit the age to realize the consequences of their actions they will have already made the mistake and not want the consequences.
The reason you get so frustrated is because you can see the consequences to their actions. The reason your kid gets mad at you is because they think you are withholding from them, which you are, but what you are withholding from them are the consequences that they do not see.
I bring all of this to light to say that it’s not your fault. You may feel it’s your fault, but it is not. You did not decide for them. As a matter of fact a lot of you warned them. And with that knowledge, the healing will not be your responsibility either. They will have to live with that decision and eventually they will probably come to regret it in the future (insert your I told you so now because you will not want to say it then) and it will hurt. It will hurt a lot. They’ll need to talk about it, and pray about it, and lose sleep about it.
So here’s some practical advice to overcoming these situations. 1. Repeat after me “I make/made mistakes too”. Even adults are one or two decisions away from stupid. If you are not, I’ll send you a story of two of some adults I know… Remember we are all falling short of the glory of God.
2. Continue to love your kid. Even in their mistakes and poor decisions, do not stop loving them.
3. Don’t say I told you so. You will eventually regret that.
4. Pray for your kid and the people whom your student will confide in.
5. Address the topic head on. Don’t fold your position or let your kid manipulate the situation. Remember they aren’t dealing with a fully developed brain. You are the parent. Be the parent.
6. Forgive them.
7. Forgive yourself.
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leadershape 